First experiences
First I want to tell the reasons I believe why I was incel:
-I'm relatively shy
-I'm silent
-I'm not assertive enough and have problems to voice my opinion
-I'm slow to react
-I have a very hard time to express my feeling, even identifying my own
feelings!
-I always have conflicting feelings
-I have the tendency to put myself down, especially in front of women
-Friendship is very important for me, I'm more easily friends with
women and
I'm generally afraid to ask a friend out because I'm afraid of breaking
the
friendship
-I work in a male dominant environment (computer science)
-I've been an immigrant for 6 years, being even more
isolated
-I had problems with family and school (death, psychological abuse,
very
early puberty, etc...)
-I had a few illusions about sex:
I thought that if you have sex with someone you need to somehow at
least
have a little bit of feelings for this person and you need also to
commit. I
was afraid of commitment and never had more than friendship feeling and
a
little bit of lust for women then I was afraid of sex.
-I'm not very handsome, rather average, I look too sweet (that can be a
quality), childish, and a little bit female
-I didn't take enough care of myself
-I'm weird : Some sort of hippy with techno clothes, I used to dress
too
much like a teenager
-The few women I asked out were really pretty... too pretty for me!
-There's been a time I was unsure about my own sexuality (mostly
because
women were becoming so strange to me that I didn't know anymore who I
liked.)
Silly me, men? yuck! I love women!
What changed for me:
A female friend helped me to change.
I lost weight,
Fixed my teeth,
Changed a little bit my look (still hippy style but more adult)
Started sport,
Started a therapy,
I do want to commit,
I lowered my (physical) expectation on women,
Love is becoming more important than friendship,
Sex can exist without love and commitment.
I went on holiday...
When I met this lady, the 1st thing I did after staying with
her a
few hours was to ask her out and we had sex right away, on the first
night,
without really knowing each other. There isn't much feeling the first
time
you meet someone but the feeling grew from there afterwards.
I chose to lose the illusion of needing to have feelings for someone to have sex with her.
