Subject: Re: Shyness, relationships
Date: 1996/04/19
Newsgroups: soc.bi
Sion wrote:
>
> Jon wrote:
> >I don't think social ineptitude is something that one gains, you have
> >it and decrease it with experience.
>
> On an absolute scale, no, it is not something that is gained, but as
> one grows older the standard of social eptitude one is expected to
> maintain increases, and if one's experience doesn't keep pace,
> apparent ineptitide increases. It's one thing to be clumsy and awkward
> when first venturing forth into the world, but not to have improved
> over the subsequent decade is a terrible deficiency.
I can empathise. I was highly socially inept for all of my teens and 20's.
It sounds kind of cliched, but only when I discovered my sexuality, and
'learned to like myself' did I find myself at ease in company. I think
its the 'liking oneself' bit that is really important. Before that I
always assumed that people did not like me much, so I was always very
self-concious.
> Oh, I'm just so completely inept at anything and everything that my
> social awkwardness just doesn't stand out.
>
> >As for worrying about whether I fancy people, for me it's one of my
> >few pleasures in life. Whether *they* fancy *me* is what I try not
> >to worry about.
During my inept decades, I had not the slightest doubt that no-one
could possibly fancy me, that I didn't worry. It took a lot of
convincing for me to believe that some people *did* fancy me.
>
> But fancying people with no hope of them reciprocating is just such a
> waste of time and mental energy -- something I avoid if at all
> possible and fight if not.
>
I have been delightfully surprised by the frequency of which fancying is
reciprocated, particularly with my lack of looks!
Steve
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Subject: Re: Shyness, relationships
Date: 1996/04/22
Newsgroups: soc.bi
Sion wrote:
>
> Steve wrote:
> >I can empathise. I was highly socially inept for all of my teens and 20's.
> >It sounds kind of cliched, but only when I discovered my sexuality, and
> >'learned to like myself' did I find myself at ease in company. I think
> >its the 'liking oneself' bit that is really important. Before that I
> >always assumed that people did not like me much, so I was always very
> >self-concious.
>
> There's a good chance you're right, but there's no way I'm ever going
> to 'learn to like myself' -- there just isn't anything likeable about
> me (or, to stave off possible disagreement, when you know me as well
> as I do, all the unlikeable things far outway any likeable aspects). I
> *accept* what I am, something coming out has a big part to play in,
> and that has to help being at ease in company, but actually that is a
> detriment to social skills, because if one is at ease, one is much
> more likely to be extrovert and thus be obviously inept.
In my opinion, the skill comes more or less naturally with being at
ease with oneself. I think the 'introvert/extrovert' labels are
misleading. I think its more that being at ease, one does not care
as much about people's reactions. Don't be so sure about not liking
oneself - I find that the best cure for this is time. In my 30's I
have find myself becoming more comfortable with who I am, rather
like a comfortable and battered old sweater. I found that after a time
I ran out of energy for all the misery and worry and entered a kind of
neutral 'this is just the way things are' state. Coming out and
discovering MEN in my early 30's changed me from that state into
one of liking myself. I know this sounds terribly condescending
(and I really don't mean it to) but time will heal.
>
> >During my inept decades, I had not the slightest doubt that no-one
> >could possibly fancy me, that I didn't worry. It took a lot of
> >convincing for me to believe that some people *did* fancy me.
>
> I've had to admit that there is a possibility that people might fancy
> me, but I'm convinced such people fall into two categories. Firstly,
> there's those who are so desperate that anyone of suitable orientation
> and availability is a valid target, although getting out of University
> seems to have reduced the number of these. Secondly, there are those
> who just don't know me well enough (ie everybody, bar maybe a handful)
> and thus might be unaware of what a terrible mistake fancying me would
> be.
The mistake is not necessarily fancying; its in following up surely (if
it is indeed a mistake).
Regards
Steve
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