Subject: Shyness / 22 going on 12
Date: 1997/04/04
Newsgroups: soc.bi

>>Aw, hell. My shyness, my un-self-confidence, makes for pretty poor
>>thread material. So I don't post much. *halfsmile*
>*shrug* Who knows.. maybe if enough of us talked about it some of us
>might be able to overcome our shyness.

And it's got to be better than 95% of everything else being posted
at the moment....

>I know I've got the 22 going on 12 syndrome when it comes to women. It
>is like being back in Jr High all over again. I get all giddy and
>clueless.
>
>I don't know if it is because up until the middle of my sophomore year
>I've only ever 'chased' after guys and so haven't had as much practice
>'chasing' after girls... or what it is. I can flirt, but it is like I
>forget what to do next when it comes right down to it.

Lack of experience certainly seems a likely candidate for the 22 going
on 12 syndrome, but I don't think it's the whole story. At the root,
it seems to me, is a fear of rejection. Consider, either (a) because
of the lack of experience, you're not sure if you're going about it
in the right way (as above) or (b) with a MOTSS there's less chance
that they'll also be interested in a MOTSS or (c) you don't have the
self-confidence to believe that anyone could be interested in you
(as per Skyler right up at the top there).

The big problem with (c) is that while you're still stuck with it
you can't go about getting the experience required to deal with (a).
The 22 going on 12 phenomenon only applies if you actually did
anything about going after MOTOS (or even MOTSS) when puberty hit.
If, like me, you learn early on that people aren't going to find
you attractive (a) you don't get that MOTAS experimentation in,
meaning that later on you're just as shy and awkward around either
sex when there's potential interest and (b) it's difficult to take
anyone who does show any interest seriously.

I've just realised that I've automatically equated shyness, lack
of self-confidence, and poor self-image -- which is a bit dubious
when I know people who make up for shaky self-image and -confidence
by being anything but shy....

--

_________________________________________________________________

Subject: Re: Shyness / 22 going on 12
Date: 1997/04/05
Newsgroups: soc.bi



> Lack of experience certainly seems a likely candidate for the 22 going
> on 12 syndrome, but I don't think it's the whole story. At the root,
> it seems to me, is a fear of rejection. Consider, either (a) because
> of the lack of experience, you're not sure if you're going about it
> in the right way (as above) or (b) with a MOTSS there's less chance
> that they'll also be interested in a MOTSS or (c) you don't have the
> self-confidence to believe that anyone could be interested in you
> (as per Skyler right up at the top there).
>
> The big problem with (c) is that while you're still stuck with it
> you can't go about getting the experience required to deal with (a).
> The 22 going on 12 phenomenon only applies if you actually did
> anything about going after MOTOS (or even MOTSS) when puberty hit.
> If, like me, you learn early on that people aren't going to find
> you attractive (a) you don't get that MOTAS experimentation in,
> meaning that later on you're just as shy and awkward around either
> sex when there's potential interest and (b) it's difficult to take
> anyone who does show any interest seriously.

Loud and clear. I've experienced that phenomenon most of my life.
Rejection tends to decrease self-confidence to an exponential degree.
Especially if the rejection is for non-specific reasons, or a broad
category. (I.e. looks, or being "too weird") It can be very easy to assume
that since one person of a certain type rejected you for, say, liking weird
music, that all people of a similar personality type will reject you for
similar reasons. It compartmentalizes yourself and other people both, but
it's pretty common, especially if you have low self worth to begin with for
other reasons.

>
> I've just realised that I've automatically equated shyness, lack
> of self-confidence, and poor self-image -- which is a bit dubious
> when I know people who make up for shaky self-image and -confidence
> by being anything but shy....

But there are people who really are shy, but not in the conventional sense.
People who will pretend and put on masks and what not to the ends of the
earth, anything to avoid showing the real person inside. To me, that's very
shy. To use myself as an example, for years I was quite the personality
chameleon, I was able to play all sorts of diffrent roles to the hilt,
depending on the needs of the situation. All those personalities were way
out there-life of the party social butterfly kind of things. However, I
never created long term relationships with anyone because I knew at some
point I would have to stop acting and show them who I really was under the
glitz, and I was utterly terrified of that. So, yeah, I think I was really
shy-I just hid it well.

Shawna

_________________________________________________________________