Two surveys ran on incelsite during 2005. One explored the kinds of people who consider themselves
incel, whilst the other looked into the levels of intimate experience that incels had experienced.
Around 270 people were recorded on either survey and reasonable efforts have been made to remove
any duplicate entries.
So, the results can be read at the links below.
Male results of 'People' survey.
Female results of 'People' survey.
Male results of 'Experience' survey.
Female results of 'Experience' survey.
The following summarises the first few responses Alana Boltwood received to her
original article on
involuntary celibacy. Over to Alana ...
The initial correspondents were a demographically diverse group.
(This is not, by any means, a representative survey of the involuntarily
celibate population. The demographics are biased by where I chose to
advertise the web page initially.) The correspondents who gave their age
were either in their 20s or 40s. I received mail from men and women, gay
and straight. The responses came mostly from English-speaking countries,
but often from immigrants to those countries.
Here are my summaries of what various people told me of their
experiences. Some letters were very personally revealing and many
correspondents wanted to remain anonymous, so I have stripped these notes
of personality (and gender).
Personality
- person shy, afraid to meet strangers, afraid to invade people's personal
space by making eye contact
- person intimidated by sexily-dressed people of opposite sex, afraid to talk to them
- person very introverted with most people, has a detail-oriented job,
avoids promotion to a job requiring more social interaction
- person is more extroverted with someone of similar demographics
- person knows they have difficulty trusting other people
Self-Perception
- person thinks they are ugly, not attractive (even though others disagree). Result: fear of initiating romantic relationships.
- person needed to understand and love themself
- person was criticized as "stupid" by parent; took many years for the person to realize the parent was wrong
What Friends Say
- friends can't understand why person remains single, in spite of being attractive & successful
- person is thought to be gay because they are perpetually single
Dating Experiences
- person had a chance at a relationship, was too afraid to take the risk, then lost the opportunity
- person does go on dates, but feels trapped when a relationship becomes serious; then stops dating
- person tries joining interest groups to meet people, but they are for the wrong age group
- person never dated, but had sexual relationships at one point (not entirely voluntary)
- whenever person meets someone they like, the other person is already attached
- person tried online dating services and met two women; those relationships did not work out but person plans to try again
Re-directed Energies
- person tells others they are uninterested in relationships, marriage, children and prefers to focus on their career, but they know they are lonely without a partner
- person focused on schoolwork instead of social life
- person focused on their career when younger, ignoring themself, but now realizes there is more to life than career success
Sending Messages
- person can't tell someone that they are romantically interested (strict upbringing where feelings are not expressed)
- person wonders what is wrong: selfishness? and considers problems I suggested (sending unconscious messages; fear of rejection; self-esteem problem)
Circumstances
- moving from larger city to smaller city is difficult; social & marriage patterns differ, so a single person can't find suitable relationships
- person comes from background that is less open about sex than person's adopted country
- person is middle-aged but still lives with parents due to family
obligations, and the tradition that children do not leave home until they marry
- person lives with parents but is not "out of the closet" to them
Desires
- person looking for a feminine partner to understand that part of themselves
- person is very curious about sexuality because it seems forbidden and inaccessible
Getting Help
- person has been sent to a therapist by their parents, who notice their shyness and lack of friends, but the therapist says everything is normal
- person is suspicious of therapy; friends are more trustworthy than psychologists; self-help books merely state the obvious
Making Changes
- person was assigned to read The Beauty Myth for school; it changed
their thinking a little
- after coming out of the closet, person started singing in a choir - never sang before
- person has joined groups with common interests and demographics, and enjoys these new activities. person not going to bars - wrong age group, wrong personality type.
- person felt overweight and started a regular exercise program
- person is trying to find more time for themself in spite of family obligations
- person reads current news and magazines, to have more to talk about with strangers
- person says their world-view may change in future, but they don't
currently have problems because of it
- making major life decisions without doing much research ahead of time
- person is focused on exploring self, spirituality, psychic phenomena
- person ready for change, wants to meet potential partners, not sure how, but not afraid of a relationship
