Ok, I am writing this partly to get it off my chest and partly so that others in the same position as me may find it one day and realise that they're not totally alone and that others suffer too. I also write this as a warning to others, so that they may not become what I have become. Apologies if it is too long!

Ok here goes, me, and being an incel.

From as far back as I can remember I have never been able to get a girlfriend. From the early days of primary school right up to where I am now, 29 and full time employed. I cannot understand it, I feel as though I am being punished for something by God, something that I've done which is so horrible that it carries a sentence of being alone and depressed for the rest of my life...

I grew up in a small town, when I was in primary school I was always the class clown, the girls all liked me..I always made them laugh...but I always seemed to fall head over heels for girls and then be devastated when they rejected me. Maybe this was the start of it all, way back in those pre-teen years...maybe that's the root of the problem which has to date ruined my life and destroyed my youth...

When I progressed to high school, my mum was a teacher there which I know put a lot of girls off, as she was also known as being quite strict, although I don't think she was like this at home (however my parents are divorced and she did used to hit me as a small kid so maybe that has a bearing?? I don't know!). Anyway, to make matters worse there were hardly any decent looking girls at high school, so I remained single throughout high school, hoping that moving away and going to college or uni would be an end to it...

I was wrong. I found myself in amongst a class of people who were all coupled up, and the single ones were not interested in going out to meet anybody. However I did eventually get out to clubs quite a bit, but found myself completely incapable of approaching girls and talking to them, let alone trying to pull them. Maybe this was to do with my rather sheltered life up to the age of 18 in that small town that shall remain nameless...

To make things worse, the first ever "date” I went on in college was one which one of my female friends set up for me...and after a bit of kissing and dancing she then refused to go out with me again, claiming I was "just a snog” (passionate kissing with tounges to my U.S friends reading this!) .

And so there we have it.things remained like this for me for the duration of the 2 year college course. 21, a virgin and never had a girlfriend. My self esteem was low to say the least...

I left college and worked in a shop for a year, I met a girl there, she dumped me after 2 dates, but what made it worse was that all my friends and been coupled up for years by now, and my social group was all couples and so new single girls never entered the scene. It became impossible to meet anyone...

I decided to go to university to study marketing, and despite being in a class which was predominantly women...you guessed it...no success! Why? I don't know...I think by now I was displaying signs of being "needy” which women hate, although I desperately try to cover these up. Anyway, I fell again for a girl who was also a friend, and stunningly attractive (To put you in the picture and to give you an idea of why I'm not a typical incel, I must confess I am not shy, ugly or overweight, too skinny etc etc...I take great care with my looks...go to the gym regularly and dress well). All the seeds were there, but she chose to tease me for a year and make me look like a fool. She broke my heart. I wasn't getting anywhere outside of this relationship either...constant rejection and girls just seemed to ignore me!!

So what's a guy to do?? By this time I was 26, had never had proper sex nor a steady girlfriend. To make things worse I had to move back to my mums due to lack of funds for 7 months, before moving away to pursue a "career”. So that brings me to where I am to date...29 and full time employed...maybe I am too fussy, I have turned down offers from girls who I wasn't the least bit interested in...should I have said yes?? Gone with someone I didn't even find attractive for fear of being alone?? This doesn't seem right...

In the last two years I have been ignored, dumped, rejected, cheated on, teased, used and verbally abused by girls who I've been attracted to. All I have ever tried to do was just make them laugh and make myself good company to be around. But no. Nothing. Absolutely zip. As all my friends get mortgages, move in together, or settle down to long term relationships, I realise I am once again completely alone, sexually inexperienced and rapidly approaching 30...

I have nobody to share anything with. Nobody gives a shit about me or my situation. They laugh at me, I am a laughing stock. I have developed severe depression. I have become paranoid, anxious, selfish, eccentric, bitter and cynical of everything. I cannot remember the last time I genuinely laughed. I have become irritable, I rant about things which a guy of my age shouldn't be bothered about. I become easily annoyed at people which can easily turn to hatred...right now as I am typing this there's someone outside my office talking, he's distracting me, I want to go and put his head through the wall, even although I am not and never have been a violent person. I feel so alone, useless, helpless and utterly hopeless...I have exhausted all possibilities. I cannot see an end to this. I have seriously contemplated suicide, although have come to the conclusion that I could never be that selfish as it would hurt my parents too badly. I feel as though I am living my life in some sort of pain amplifier, except the pain amplifier is me, my body is the room or the shell. I cannot express my feelings. I have become so ill and battle scarred that it will now be impossible to form any kind of relationship, as no woman will have me like this...

You see, being an incel sucks, I feel broken and abused, I need love to heal, but love will never find its way to me in this state. I feel trapped and I can't get out. I am full of hate. I think what I used to be like as a kid, playing and laughing and behind closed doors when I'm alone it makes me cry. I hate myself as much as others...

I cannot describe the feeling of losing my late teens and twenties and having missed out on so much....even 18 to 21 yr olds aren't interested in me, I've lost that. My life has been trashed by forces outside my control. To make things worse society is now anti-male, as a man I am simply not allowed to express my feelings or seek help or understanding in the way that women are. Hence the reason I have turned to the internet. Not thinking that anyone may be able to help me, as "taking up night classes” or "a new hobby” simply isn't going to work at this late stage...I am writing this for the benefit of others.

So to anybody reading this, the moral of my story is.....seek help...don't become like me....please...