I am a 26 year old gay white male. I have never had a relationship nor any sexual encounters. I have had urges for both since I was 12 years old but have spent the following 14 years alone and celibate. The reasons are many.

First and foremost I had no self-esteem. This arose from my childhood where the punishment for being an effeminate boy was years of verbal and emotional abuse from children, family and relatives. I learned very early in life to trust no-one. Unfortunately, I also learned that I was worthless and that nobody would want someone as rejected as I was. Internalizing these beliefs was very difficult and traumatic, causing me years of sadness and two half-hearted attempts at suicide.

Living in such a world of helplessness, the only hope I held onto was that the future had to contain the promise of much better things to come. I moved to Vancouver at age 23, ready to start my life over again, including trapping that significant other I wanted. Three years later I am still single, never having had a boyfriend (or girlfriend if that is your preference) but with my growing self-esteem I've come to a few realizations.

It is easier for me to tell others that I'm gay than it is to tell them I'm a virgin. The reason is that people see life as a matter of choices. It is a choice to be a virgin (or celibate) but not a choice to be gay. What most people don't realize is that neither is a choice. We are products of our environment and most of us don't know our short-comings or self-destructive behaviour until it's pointed out to us, and even then we don't change until we want to or are ready to change. Until this day happens, we will continue to display undesirable behaviour that others won't find attractive; and we will be *forced* into a state of celibacy that we won't know we are the cause of. This undesirable behaviour could be desperation (to find someone to love or be loved), low self-esteem (complaining about oneself to attract attention and sympathy), and emotional mood swings, to name but a few.

In my case, as with many others, I was a victim of circumstances. I didn't know I was gay and had no idea people enjoyed tormenting me because they viewed homosexuals as sub-human. I am a person with feelings like everyone else. If anything, I'm more sensitive to others' needs and more accepting of people's lifestyles and socio-economic groupings than the average person, which I'm really happy about. I have my days when I resent what I have been put through and the mentality I derived from it: the worth I placed on myself, and the lack of possibilities for intimate encounters which I thought I deserved.

Since I have never had sex, I have never thought of myself as a sexual being. I don't emit sexual vibes, and others can't pick up those vibes, so nobody approaches me in a social setting in that manner, and I find myself once again alone. But at least now I know what I'm up against; I have already started on the road to getting what I want and the amount of attention I get has been steadily increasing. It'll only be a matter of time before I fully accept who I am, feel postive about it, attract others with my personality, find a spouse and have kids.

Lastly I don't want to discount therapy. I had read books about the psychological effects of early childhood rejection on present adult lives, and the findings distressed me enough to seek therapy to discuss the issues. Of course the books discussed the effects on people's intimate lives and their relationships (assuming, of course, that they have a love life to begin with).

In life one must learn from every experience and have empathy for others. Given the same circumstances, you would be in the same position as myself or others who are celibate. It is not wrong to be alone, or to be looking for someone, so don't look down on those of us who are. I have a great rapport with people because I openly accept everything about them and I don't judge them. This only happened because I don't want to put others in the same horrible position I was as a child. And because of this I can see the prejudice in others, and thank myself for what I learned and teach it to others.