... Avoidant Personality Disorder is the extreme version of what a book I own (Personality Self-Portrait) calls the Sensitive Style of personality. To those who worry that they in fact suffer from APD, something like the Personality Disorder Examination is required. The PDE is called a "structured interview". It must be administered and scored by a trained clinician, using his/her professional judgement to evaluate the responses.

To condense what this book says about Sensitive-style people: - Sensitive style people find emotional security by building a small world they can call their own. Within this realm they are emotionally free. Outside it, they are uneasy. - A limited number of Sensitives develop counterphobic approaches: doing thing that make them nervous because they make them nervous. - Sensitives are worriers. Some deal with this by staying home. Others invoke the Boy Scout motto: "Be prepared," hauling a lot of stuff with them to handle contingencies. - Sensitives are avid mental explorers. Many are big readers. They can invest an explorer's energy in fantasy, imagination, and creation. - Sensitives need the approval of others to feel best about themselves. They genuinely like others and want them in their lives, but only to a degree. In a solid relationship with small groups of people or family memebers, their self-confidence peaks. But large gatherings can undermine this self-confidence. Unlike Vigilant types (another class in the book) who tend to doubt strangers until their intentions are known, in the presence of people they don't know Sensitives tend to doubt themselves.

Those with moderate Sensitive dispositions feel most comfortable at large gatherings if they are with or looking for someone they know. - Stress for Sensitives comes from having to brave the unfamiliar and from criticism. Criticism hurts a lot, though their typically reserved and polite manner around strangers doesn't normally let this show. - To deal with the unknown, Sensitives tend to a) find someone to brave it with, b) avoid it altogether, or c) jump right in (the counterphobic style). - Since relationships count on having one close person in their lives to rely on, breakups are highly anxiety provoking. They will be highly reluctant to get out and meet new people, and they often attempt to return to former relationships. *If they have no old loves to take up with, their social reserve may make it hard for them to meet new people and get a relationship going, which they will find very depressing.* (Emphasis mine) - Sensitives have good self-discipline and self control. They use it to shape their behavior, The only risk of self-control problems is if they begin to medicate their social unease with alcohol, recreational drugs, or tranquilizers and come to depend on these substances for "chemical courage".

Suggested exercises :

1. Do something different. Every once in a while, change one of your routines just for the sake of change. Try a new restaurant, take a different route to work, rearrange the furniture in your living room, take a different kind of vacation--anything.

You Sensitives are worriers and get yourselves tied up in knots. Relax. Include more activities in your life that you know will loosen you up. Concentrate especially on relatively mindless pursuits that temporarily shut down your scanner: go for a run, take a swim, listen to music, do yoga, take up meditation, practice muscle relaxation exercises, get a massage. Concentrate especially on meditation techniques, which are very helpful in managing anxiety.

You're likeable, friendly, warm, loyal, imaginative, kind--but your "danger-alert system" is extremely sensitive.

2. Do it anyway. The less you expose yourself to uncomfortable situations, the harder it will be to overcome the anxiety in the future. Conversely, the more you expose yourself, the easier it is to dissove the discomfort. So do what it is you prefer to avoid. Every time you find yourself tempted to avoid a challenge or to refuse an opportunity because of your anxiety, do the opposite. If somebody invites you to a party and you are inclined to say no, say yes: go. If you want to leave the party, stay. Take small steps--don't expect to conquer everything in one leap. Give yourself credit for even the tiniest progress.

3. Be who you are. Your imperfections give you character and make you interesting and appealing. It's your efforts to hide your human imperfections that make you stiff, uncomfortable, and possibly unapproachable. If you accept your flaws, others may find it easier to accept you with them.

4. Stay inside yourself. Many Sensitive people look at themselves through other people's eyes. When playing the piano, you think that the neighbors think you're playing terribly. When you give a speech, you think that the audience thinks you're stupid and uninteresting. When you're at a social gathering, you think that the stranger you're talking to thinks you're boring. You try to change your behaviour or performance in order to please someone you *think* is criticizing you. You're guaranteed to lose your concentration each time you start focusing on other people's thoughts about you. You end up hitting the wrong note, losing your place in the speech, finding yourself at a loss for words. Every time you find yourself thinking about what another person is thinking, immediately stop those thoughts and continue with what you are doing. Like most of these exercises, this one gets easier with practice.

5. When you have the feeling that people are looking at you in an uncomplimentary way, ask yourself whether that feeling might be coming from you. Are you feeling insecure? Are you feeling negative about yourself and therefore thinking that other people are thinking negative things about you? Realize that your self-consciousness comes from inside yourself. Other people have better things to do than to stop and evaluate you.

6. Every time someone criticizes you, stand back from yourself and observe how you (over) react. Check to see whether you are equating criticism with hate or rejection. Imagine that you are turning a knob that will modulate the volume of your inner reaction.

7. Do what you *can* do. Perhaps you'd like to go off to Bora Bora but you just can't get yourself to do it on your own. Rather than spend another vacation at home, consider going to Florida to stay with your cousin. You can't face going to a single's place to meet someone new, but maybe you can ask a friend to fix you up with somebody. Ask yourself what you *can* do in every situation in which you feel limited or stuck.

8. Sensitive anxiety is only a feeling (albeit an unpleasant one); it signals a dangerous inner state, not an outer reality--so have faith that things will work out. For example, you're afraid of flying because you think the plane will crash or you'll make a fool of yourself by screaming hysterically, rise above it into a "faith mode". Have faith that planes almost always stay up in the air, that you will behave appropriately, that you are and will be accepted and liked by many people--in other words, have faith that are as protected as the next person from most disasterous happenings. Have faith in yourself.

9. If you rely on your spouse to help you through unpleasant experiences or to do things that you hate or are reluctant to do, try giving your partner a break. Stop and see it from his or her point of view. You may not realize that you may strain the limits of your partner's tolerance by having him or her take over for you. For example, some Sensitive people don't like to drive, so their mates end up being family chauffeur. While the Sensitive person may be grateful to be relieved of this discomfort, he or she may not comprehend the burden this places on the other person. Avoid a crisis in your relationship by understanding the hardship you may be forcing on your loved one. Consider attempting to deal with your anxiety instead of having him or her protect you from it.