Dealing with shyness

Hi all, This is something I am writing mostly to myself, but many people have expressed interest in a more formal development of my ideas. Many of you will probably disagree with much of what I say and already have. However I'd like to put forth my ideas to let you see what they actually are.

Having your autonomic nervous system on hyperalert can definitely get in your way. What shyness does not mean is that you are in some way socially inept. Someone who is totally unaware is the inept one, and incapable of understanding social interactions.

So trust you have at least something on the ball, and go from there. Shyness is a managable situation. Very few people are born shy, or born a 'spaz'. This is a label which describes a behavior that can be altered, just like any other behavior. It won't happen immediately and you'll have to accept the fact you are going to make mistakes. If you make a plan for slow steady progress, the plan is likely to work.

The thing is not to expect miracles, capatilise on success, and learn from your mistakes. Raould Hoffmann (2 time Nobeloriate in theoretical chemistry) said: "The vast majority of great things comes not in one flash of progress, but the accumulation of small things". I think he knows what he's talking about.

In the course of this you will learn not to take rejection personally, (unless it is personal). You will gain confidence you are able to see the subtle hints of acceptance and rejection. Most of the time neither one of them will be present, so you need not be fearful of making a fool out of yourself. Understanding this will make you a lot less nervous.

The better prepared you feel to handle a situation, the better the chance you'll come across the way you want. Remember without malice some just aren't going to like you, and that's just how it is. So don't worry that you made some terrible mistake. Accept the fact shyness is sometimes your gut feelings trying to tell you something. I am not an advocate of eliminating dry throats, and butterflies in the stomach.

With luck though I can convince myself and others what you percieve now as feeling bad, you can also experience as feeling good. If your guts are telling you approaching someone in the street or in a bar is likely to fail, odds are you're right, and you should listen to that.

Without a certain level of confidence, (not faking it), your chances of success are not good. So it's not necessarily a bad idea to avoid situations like this, so long as it doesn't turn into *every* situation.

Shyness is a perception of how your body is feeling. The physical symptoms of shyness: faster heart rate, perspiration, muscular tension; are exactly the same way you feel when you have a good hand in poker, under a lot of pressure to make a difficult pool shot, or keying up to play a competitive sport. Don't try to suppress your feelings.

You may think you're experiencing shyness, when in point of fact what you're really experiencing is excitement and anticipation of the unknown. Anxiety can also help you perform better. A great deal of anxiety can be abated if you have several standard methods of opening conversations.

- Look for signs of interest *before* you attempt to strike up an aquaintance, and have standard techniques of developing conversations. (My standard methods will follow in another instalment).

- Start with limited attainable goals. Like I will meet 3 women at this party. I will have a 10 minute conversation with a woman who has looks that intimidate me. I will suggest we go for ice cream.

Specific goals like this which have a measurable outcome and are readily attainable should do more to make you less nervous. This will make it possible to reliably reproduce success.

Armed with this and making small successes a habit, you will already be winning the battle against shyness by changing the way you *behave*. There are plenty of women out there who would *die* to meet you. When will you give them the chance?