How to be charming

Eye Contact:

The first and most important tool in getting and keeping someone's attention is the use of eye contact. The effect of applied eye contact is so powerful, that it can stop a dog or cat in their tracks, to say nothing of what it can do to another human being. You must not stare or be too invasive. It is utterly important you look in a mirror to figure out what it looks like when you have a certain expression on your face, so that you see what the rest of the world sees, and gain some concious control over it.

I have often found when I am deep in thought I present a cold neutral expression to the world, which some people interpret as being unhappy. I also know we can use our eyes to show interest, that we're joking, and we are paying attention. Being able to make and keep eye contact is first and foremost what will help you.

Smile:

It doesn't have to be a big smile like a salesman, or something pasted onto your face. In fact that kind of smile will look insincere. Again look in the mirror so you can smile on cue and so you can gain control over what everyone else sees. When you can look people in the eye and smile on cue, you're a great deal of the way there in terms of getting to know people.

Smiling was always hard for me because I don't have straight teeth. Many times people would tell me to smile more often, and that people noticed more that I wasn't smiling than they cared about my teeth. I know some people will always be repelled by the fact they are not straight, but I have made great strides in smiling on cue and whatever impediment you imagine you have, mine is probably worse.

Listening:

You will be percieved as being more charming by listening more than you speak. Contrary to what other people seem to think, going on and on as to how smart, how rich, or how much fun you are, will generally have the opposite effect.

I've mentioned examples of people I know who talk too much, even so far as quoting long passages of middle-English. BTW this same fellow quotes Joyce--when I am a died in the wool Pynchon fan, and don't recognize Joyce as the only important writer of the 20th century--oh no! I'm going off on a tangent. See what I mean?

So a lot of people are not good listeners because they simply never let anyone else get a word in edgeways. It's funny how people who talk all the time seem to think people actualy want to hear what they have to say. (The close coralary is offering advice on sensitive matters when it hasn't been asked for). It's not as bad as being totaly honest, but it's pretty close.

Interrupting:

the only thing interrupting will accomplish is getting people bent out of shape. No idea I've ever had is so important I can't wait 5 more seconds. People get annoyed by that, so make a strong effort just not to do it. Of course if you are unlucky enough to be dealing with someone that won't stop talking, it may be your only choice.

Finishing People's Sentences:

It's cute in movies. It infuriates most people. Most often because the other person is wrong about what people are thinking. It will convince the person you are not sincere with your listening, and any gains you may have made will be utterly gone. even if you you really do know what someone is going to say--unless you're Judge Dredd, don't predict what people are going to say, at least not out loud.

Listen for threads that are waiting to be pounced on. Remember my estimation of what someone wants to talk about in my last essay? Listen for that type of information. Try to get the facts straight. I had a pretty good fish on the line a few months back, and because I got her personal facts totaly wrong I blew it. Don't let something embarrassing like that happen.

Don't just start talking about something you want to talk about out of the clear blue sky. It makes it look like you could be talking to just anyone. Another insidious habit which creeps into conversations is that we sometimes get so busy thinking of what you want to say--you can't hear what the other person is saying.One of the habits my dad has that makes me furious is someone might be in the middle of a serious conversation and say: I'm trying to make a point. My dad will respond: the point is on the top of your head. Needless to say I end the conversation there.

Don't be guilty of that. Inattentive listening also makes you look insincere. How many times have you had an instructor when asked a question, supplied an answer that had nothing to do with your question. Or asking something someone had just stated, or questions so thoroughly unrelated to what someone is saying--you couldn't possibly listening.

Or for that matter doing something like watching television, reading a book, or showing in some way you are not really paying attention. Don't be distracted from the words and content. You may think it's a wonderful compliment while a woman is telling you about her feelings to say: you have such beautiful eyes. She may take it in another way. That you're not paying attention to her, contrary to the intentions.

There have been numerous occasions when friend has suddenly exclaimed at me: my God! you're eyes are so green, your eyes are the deepest shade of green that I've ever seen. I don't know what to say to that, and in fact it makes me uncomfortable. (Apparently they are some type of weird color in direct sun light, but I've never seen it). Another insincere thing is to ask for advice and then simply disregard it. Without some sort of explanation, people become suspicious of this type of behavior.

Changing the subject or dropping the conversation when another person joins the conversation is also really bad form. The right thing to do is to mention who had said what, and invite the speaker to continue. This will make every one more comfortable. I think I'll include specific tactics on how to include every one in a conversation, or how to deal with group situations like parties as a seprate topic.

Maybe my vast reading public should give me a peep. I'm sure everyone here knows that listening is active listening, rephrasing things from time to time, nodding, and occasionaly offering personal information--which in some way invites the person to continue the interaction and makes the two of you seem similar.

This should help you a lot in conversations, since the trouble people have with not knowing what to say largely disappears. Try to talk about the other person, or get them to do a lot of the talking. So in general talk should proceed from a simple introductory lines, like those mentioned in the last essay, to searching out what someone wants to show off, to figuring out a good way to break things off without being akward.

Don't Overstay Your Welcome:

Big mistake. It's better to leave while things are going good than when things have started to turn mediocre. I remember in college once a group of friends and I went to the park. Then this one fellow wanted to go for pizza, then ice cream, and then a movie--and I bailed, and the girl he was after used driving me back to school as an excuse for getting away. (2 weeks later she wanted to form a relationship with me instead). This is viewed as pressuring clingy behavior, and is unlikely to get you anything more than a confrontation.

When a conversation begins to wax and wain, be the first to end it with a light hearted excuse. How many is the person who will go on and on, hoping some how something miraculous will happen. I've seen relatives, and a few friends make this mistake. The only real result is that the other person will remember they have to avoid you in the future, and may also tell their friends to do the same. You might even prepare some standard exit lines.

Very seldomly I will say: I hope to run into to you again, in order to gauge their response. I never ask for a phone number. I don't have a home phone myself. I also guess if someone wants me to get in touch with them, and I've either just met them or had only casual conversations with them--they'll give me their phone number.

However 50% or more of the time, I don't call them anyway. (Yes, I'm one of those guys that never calls). I feel the *only* reason to ask for a phone number is to guage someone's level of interest. So I hope that puts my policy out of the way--and it should make you feel less nervous.

Understand the Context of the Interaction:

A lot of people get into trouble because they don't understand the context of what's going on. Every social situation has its particular dynamic. A lot of men make utter idiots out of themselves because they try to hit on waitresses. They're there to make money, and being friendly and hospitable is part of the job. When someone exceeds the nature of the interaction, friendly customer to friendly employee, you have asked too much from this situation.

This is an example, but I think the point is made. Social situations mean you can ask for some things, like time and attention, but not much more. Depending on the type of function and social situation, like let's say a party--a particular type of conversation may be aquaintance level, and to ask anything more than a name, and very basic questions would exceed the interaction. Other people sitting 5 feet away however might have a totaly different interaction.

When someone exceeds the interaction, it is viewed as overly aggressive, clingy, and desperate. This is how people with pick up lines come across. This is how people who are at one moment having a light civil conversation and at the next have cracked a joke reeking of innuendo come across. This is how people who prematurely make invitations look. With these policies you will already stand out as being superior. Since you have a good idea of how to behave and how not to behave, this should again increas your level of confidence.

I also wanted to point out what I did not say. I did not say anything about looks. Even though looks figure into some people's assessment heavily, I'll address that issue later. All I'll say here is it has a lot less to do with success than you might believe.

I didn't mention anything about cologne, what type of suit to wear, lifting weights, Jerks vs. Niceguys, or "Alpha Males". Although a lot of this may be contrary to what you believe, I hope you will give it fair consideration, and consider its efficacy.