Tuesday Tells - Advice Q

May 13, 1996

Dear Tuesday,

I am very lonely... I just can't get a girlfriend. In fact I haven't ever had one. HELP!!!

-Lonely A

Dear Lonely,

Way to pluck my heart strings! I feel for you, really I do. Humans crave companionship, and the mystery/myth of finding true love is the motivating factor in much of what we do. There's actually a pretty sickeningly sweet amount of romantic notions shoved down our throats on a daily basis. Everywhere you turn...love, love, LOVE! So if you feel like you're the only one not getting it, it would suck pretty bad.

You didn't make any references as to what the problem might be. Chronic shyness? A little less than Brad Pitt appearance? A weight problem, perhaps? A nervous tick? Maybe there is no specific reason, just a general lack of knowledge about how to go about getting close to women. For trivia's sake, men tend to report more cases of loneliness, and it is at its highest degree in adolescence and young adulthood. So if you fall into these categories, you might be lonely, but you're not alone!

Loneliness feeds upon itself. When we feel lonely, we feel desperate, deprived, vulnerable, insecure... Those don't sound like very attractive qualities, do they? In other words, loneliness itself and the anxiety and inadequacies it brings only serve to deepen the status. Others are not likely to be drawn to someone exhibiting these characteristics. Loneliness is associated with having low self-esteem. Chances are you don't feel comfortable in social situations, and might even avoid them to keep from having to come face to face with your weak spot.

Do you find yourself using any of the following coping mechanisms when you are feeling particularly isolated? Crying, excessive sleeping, overeating, drinking or taking drugs, staring mindlessly at television? These are non-productive, and will only heighten your situation in the long run. Right now your loneliness could be viewed as a way to really get in touch with yourself, and to become a more interesting person. Take this time to read, find things you are truly good at, take up hobbies. Becoming a more rounded individual will only make you more attractive to others. And although you might not have a girlfriend at this time, there are other kinds of relationships that deserve attention and are worthwhile. You can build solid foundations with friends or relatives, and not beat yourself up about the fact that you haven't become romantically involved with someone yet.

As far as social situations go, and the drive to find someone you can connect with on an intimate level, you will need to take some risks. Get involved with some kind of social activity, or sport, go to parties, get out in the world! It is a common belief that being lonely will only be lessened by a romantic relationship. There's a good chance though that if you become more active in self-fulfilling activities, not only will you attract more people to you, but you'll be happier and less lonely with or without a girlfriend.